Day One in the “Just haven’t met you yet/ lookin for lurve” house..
This online dating lark is easy, casual and you don’t have to dress for it, sloppy Joes and PJs rule, sans make up..even my hair’s a mess but sure who knows?
So..I decided to join Matchmewithplentyoffish.com (I loved their logo “Cast yer net in the sea of love” I joined (only euro35 a month), put my profile up (My hook was “Let’s have a whale of a time”) and Tadah.. “I’ve got 65 messages, 123 winks and 4 marriage proposals (“And I haven’t even put my photo up yet..)
“Are all these for me?” It’s the kid in the sweetshop syndrome. I think I’ve fallen in love 3 times tonite already.
Wait till I really get into this.. Which photo? Long or short hair? Blonde, Brunette..that one from 2000 looks great-all my mates said so. ”My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”..
Day 3 of the “Find me somebody to love” workout and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire dating life..so far I have 200 guys emailing me(and while I admit the emails aren’t exactly Shakespearian in context, I kindly like bluntness in a guy.. ”Wanna meet” is direct, manly and bold…plus their photos are hot! And they’re funny too..”My rod’s bigger than yours but I’m fishing for complements” and his name WAS Rod!
Day 5 in the “Damn I wish I was your lover/take a chance on me” house and I have arranged 3 dates. What could be simpler? Well in fairness, it was a challenge of Olympian proportions to filter out 400 “wanna meet up now, this minute, tonite, tomorrow, soon and what’s your favourite colour fish nets to how many drinks does it take for you to get drunk” emails but I think it’s worth the 4 hour(11 to 3 am Thursday nite/morning investment. Just have to get through work with 3 hours sleep but it’ll be worth it as that’s my weekend sorted. Friday’s Dave, Saturday meet Pete and Sunday’s all Noel. All my own age,(come on, I look 35, don’t I?) height(I told them I was 5’4” coz it sounds better than 5’9” and sure they’re all over 6’)..I’m sure they’ll recognise me even though I’m nether blond, brunette nor titian!
Day 8 in the Virtual Insanity house. Dave was a lovely guy, and handsome too, he couldn’t stay too long as he had to meet the lads later but I like him. I’m glad I got my hair done and wore that new outfit although he didn’t comment one way or another, (or my hair either) and it was odd that he didn’t even buy a drink(I mean he is a pilot and has lots of money)..Anyway, he wants to meet again. Fingers crossed.
Pete never showed. Pity.. but at least he texted at 10(was waiting for him since 9) to say “Cn’t meat-problems at home-talk soon” that sounded serious..hope all is ok?
Sadly Noel turned out to be weird, plain weird. He looked way older than his age, wouldn’t meet where we were supposed to (He thought Dundrum Shopping Centre was just too big) and we finally ended up chatting in his (milk stained) car. Strange, there was a child seat in the back and when I said ”Is that yours-you never said you have children?” He said it was a friend’s car-weird-he had told me (in another one liner email) that he drove the same one-a blue Volvo! He was nervous and edgy and very blunt.. all he wanted to do was be alone with me (you’re never alone in a car park I told him!) he wanted to go to some Hotel where we could be alone together and when I told him I wasn’t that type of girl he got angry and said “Sure what else was I looking for?” I ran outa there rapid. Yes Noel was a weirdo!
Day 9 in the house of the vanishing mermaids. Losing my religion here with more moronic email messages. Do guys really think this is some form of speed dating Twitter for monosyllabic miscreants that can’t use more than 10 words. ”Hi the name is John..What’s yours?” What’s your favourite colour?” “Your plaice(sic) or mine”? This is tedious, boring and monotonous…in fact it’s carp!
Day 10 in Octopus Central and I’m officially sea sick with all this catfishing. So far I’ve tried to engage in conversations by email with about 30 different guys (I’m not too sure some of them actually exist or are even single), I’ve been almost scammed out of any amount of money from “likable rogues” claiming their daughter/son/Grandma is in hospital in southern Ghana without any money and could I wire them just Euro 300 bla bla..I have been asked out 18 times by guys who refuse to get into any details about themselves (Sure haven’t you read my profile and seen my photo. it’s all there..what else do you wanna know about me..let’s meet”)..I’ve even been emailed by illusive Pete the cheat (Hi my name’s Pete-wanna meat?) I texted Dave but got a “who’s this?” and when I told him it was lil ol Dixie, I got a “I’m Alison-Dave’s wife- butt out of his life”
Far from this being a sea of Tranquillity (All men seem to be from the Dark side of the Moon) or the Cape of Good Hope, this online dating is akin to angry seas filled with playbuoys, sharks and wasted seaman. I think I’ll take a sea battical!
That’s it from the House of Confusion.
I’m (obviously not) a celebrity dater-get me outa here!
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