Day 1 in the ‘I just haven’t met you yet’ house……
‘This online dating lark is the Bees Balearics! It’s soo easy, casual and you don’t have to dress for dinner, sloppy Joes and PJs are de rigueur, 5 o clock shadows sans make up and even my hair’s a mess but sure who knows’?
See, I decided to join Ok Cupid Match me with plentyoffish.com (I loved their logo ‘Cast yer net in the sea of love” I joined (only euro35 a month), put my profile up and while I may have fake newsed just a tad regarding my age, weight and what I do for a living, the rest is all true(ish).
My hook is ‘Let’s have a whale of a time’ and already surf’s up..I trawled 20 messages, 123 winks and 4 marriage proposals AND I haven’t even put my photo up yet!
It’s the kid in the sweetshop syndrome. ‘Are all these for me?’ I think I’ve fallen in love 3 times tonite already.
‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ because every day I upload a new (well it was new in 2005) profile photo.
Day 3 in the ‘Take a chance on me’ house of fun love nest .
So far I have 200 guys emailing me(and while I admit their reply emails aren’t exactly Shakespearian in context to my witty and loquacious eulogies, I kindly like bluntness in a guy.. ‘Wanna meat’ is direct, manly and bold…plus their photos are hot! And they’re funny too..”My rod’s bigger than yours but I’m fishing for compliments’..and his name WAS Rod!
Day 5 in the ‘Damn I wish I was your lover’ pleasure palace.
I have arranged 3 dates. What could be simpler? Sure, it was a challenge of Nautical proportions to filter out 400 “wanna meet up now, this minute, tonite and what’s your favourite colour (fish nets) to how many drinks does it take for you to get drunk’ emails but I think it’s worth the 4 hour(11 to 3 am Thursday nite/morning investment). Just have to get through work with 3 hours sleep but it’ll be worth it as that’s my weekend sorted. Friday’s Dave, Saturday’s Pete and Sunday’s all Noel.
Day 8 in the Virtual Insanity house/Finding Nemo.
Met Dave (the one who had asked me how many drinks it took for me to get drunk),lovely guy, and handsome but when I said I needed to get to know him better he quickly said he could only stay for a while as he had to meet the lads.
Pete never showed. Pity.. but at least he texted at 10(was waiting for him since 9) to say ‘Cn’t meat-problems at home-tlk soon’…that sounded serious..hope all is ok?
Sadly Noel turned out to be weird..a naval contemplator. He looked way older than his age, and we finally ended up chatting in his nappy laden and very child friendly car…there was even a child seat in the back (Strange that he had told me he didn’t have kids!).. all he wanted to do was be alone with me (you’re never alone in a car park I told him!) he wanted to go to some Hotel where we could be alone together and when I told him I wasn’t that type of girl he got angry and said “Sure what else was I looking for?” I ran outa there rapid. Yes Noel was a queer fish!
Day 12 in the house of the vanishing mermaids.
Losing my religion here with more moronic email messages. Do guys really think this is some form of speed dating /Twitter for monosyllabic miscreants that can’t use more than 10 words. ‘Hi my name is Captain Birdeye wots urs?” Wanna meat?’ ‘Your plaice(sic) or mine’? This is tedious, boring and monotonous…in fact it’s carp!
Day 17 in Octopus Central
I’m officially sea sick with all this catfishing. So far I’ve tried to engage in conversations by email with about 30 different guys (I’m not too sure some of them actually exist or are even single), I’ve been almost scammed out of any amount of money from “likable rogues” claiming their daughter/son/Grandma is in hospital in southern Ghana without any money and could I wire them just Euro 300 bla bla..I have been asked out 18 times by guys who refuse to get into any details about themselves (‘Sure haven’t you read my profile and seen my photo. it’s all there..what else do you wanna know about me..let’s meet’)..I’ve even been emailed by illusive Pete the cheat (Hi my name’s Pete-let’s eat, wanna meat?) I texted Dave but got a “who’s this?” and when I told him it was lil ol Dixie, I got a “I’m Alison-Dave’s wife- butt out of his life”
Far from this being a sea of Tranquillity (all men seem to be from the Dark side of the Moon) or the Cape of Good Hope, this online dating is akin to angry seas filled with play buoys, sharks and wasted seamen. That’s it from the House of Cods for me. I think I’ll take a sea battical!
My advice…Dump the bottom feeders, pond life, the flotsam and jetsam of Internet Dating and join One2One Introductions. Real People. Real Profiles. Real life.